Today's Fake News From Olympia, Holiday Edition

"I've never seen a tax cut put out a fire." -- Barney Frank, This Week With Christiane Amanpour, December 18th 2011

HEROIC TAX CUT TURNS AROUND LOW PERFORMING SCHOOL
Anthropomophized Reduction in Business and Occupation Tax Challenges Kids, Solves Poverty, Erases Achievement Gap

Giddy officials in the Spokane Public Schools announced today that HR509 Section 2148 Regarding Certain Deductions to Capital Investments, recently hired to teach math at Rogers High School as part of the School Improvement Grant process, had completely changed the lives of all the kids lucky enough to be in his/her class.

"We were a little reluctant, frankly, to hire a tax cut to teach, but by God it worked!" said Spokane Schools Superintendent Nancy Stowell. "I look forward to many more tax cuts coming in and making all our schools better, forever."

Future moves suggested by Stowell include having a funding cut restore the art program, and starving the beast to make the school lunch program run in the black.

UNION HATING DEMOCRATS RUSH TO DEFEND THEIR VACATION TIME

With their traditional 3 week Christmas vacation being threatened by Governor Gregoire's special session, a long series of Senate Democrats with absolutely no sense of irony or labor history took to the floor to complain.

"We have a God given right to our vacation time!" thundered Senator Rodney Tom (D-Medina). "The very idea of having to work on a holiday is inhumane, and I am clearly the first person to ever think that!"

"The Gentleman from Medina is correct!" shouted an approving Steve Hobbs. "Not only is this unpaid overtime during what historically would be a break, but I submit to you all--has any worker in history ever been asked to put in so much time during the Holiday season for so little recompense?"

Happily, the electrical supply for all of Snohomish County will now be provided by attaching generators to the bodies of those killed in the Everett Massacre as they roll over in their graves.

RYAN'S POPULARITY IN WEA REACHES AMAZING NEW HEIGHTS
Sets a New Personal Best By Going Three Days Without Being Offensive, Condescending Prick

NOBODY BOTHERS TO TELL PAM ROACH THAT LEGISLATURE ADJOURNED
Confused Senator Only One to Show Up For Cancelled Committee Hearing

"I...I guess I kind of figured that Joe (Zarelli) or Mike (Hewitt) would tell her," said Senator Dan Swecker of Rochester. "I mean, things can kind of get by Pam sometimes, but we were all packing our boxes and talking about driving home...it was sort of understood, right?"

Members of the Olympia Press Corp later found Senator Roach sitting alone in a hearing room in the Cherburg Building holding a passionate debate with herself about the rights of adoptive and foster parents.

TEACHERS ANNOUNCE NEW FOUR TIER RATING SYSTEM FOR GOVERNOR GREGOIRE
"It will be clear. Oh yes, it will be clear," say Enthused Educators

A committee of Washington State teachers today rolled out a new 4 tier evaluation system for Governor Gregoire, a logical accompaniment to the Governor's proposal for teachers.

"We embrace what the Governor is proposing for us, and we hope that she'll feel the same way about what we propose for her," said Joseph Hill, a 3rd grade teacher in the Kent School District. "The purpose of the evaluation system is to improve governing. That's the focus of the evaluation system."

The four proposed ratings for the Governor run the gamut from a high of "Hasn't actively screwed up the state today" down to the lowest rating, "Couldn't find her ass with both hands and a map."

"Currently we've got the Governor at our second lowest rating, "Mike Lowry with TBI". Hopefully, these rigorous new measures will help her improve on up to "Comparisons to Bill Plummer coaching the Mariners are mostly unfair."

Read more here, if any.

Today's Fake News From Olympia

Hilarious Redistricting Mishap Moves Senator Rodney Tom to Eastern Washington

"I do not like this, and will be writing a strongly worded letter to the commission," said Senator Tom. "It is very cold over there, and I do not like trees. Plus, an old gypsy woman cursed that I will spontaneously combust if I ever set fit in a school district that receives levy equalization."

Funding for Arena Bail Out Secured by Redirecting Seattle Deep Bore Tunnel Through Wenatchee

Department of Transportation officials estimate the average commute up the waterfront will take 7 hours, and the new re-designed project will require the state to issue $3.8 trillion dollars of construction bonds.

New John L. O'Brien Building Wolf Pack Being Met With Mixed Reviews By Legislators

The pack, which like the Lookout, Smackout, and Diamond packs was named after the geographical area where it has taken up residence, has caused some level of consternation among legislators and staff members who work in the JLOB building.

"We haven't seen (Representative) Luis Moscoso's legislative assistant, Peter, in nearly a week, and we had to cancel the last JLARC meeting because of all the howling coming from Hearing Room 2," explained Rep. Dave Upthegrove, chair of the Environment Committee. "I fully support the right of these majestic creatures to exist, but I'll confess to being slightly miffed."

Jay Inslee Calls for Extended Special Session to Run Through Election Day 2012

"This has absolutely nothing to do with the fundraising freeze that Attorney General McKenna has to live under while the legislature is in session, and everything to do with....something else," said Representative Inslee from a fundraiser in Seattle. "Given all the issues facing Washington today, it's better for them to stay in session. Yeah, that's the ticket."

Randy Dorn Announces Candidacy for Superintendent of Public Instruction, Promises to Bring Competence, Integrity Back to the Office

Former teacher, school administrator, and legislator Randy Dorn announced today that he would be seeking the office of Superintendent of Public Instruction, making him the titular head of schools in Washington State at a critical juncture in the education reform movement.

"For too long now the Superintendent of Public Instruction has been an empty suit, completely useless, ignored by legislators and teachers alike. The Governor even proposed eliminating the position, which shows you how feckless the leadership over there in the Old Capital Building has been. Today I promise you that I, Randy Dorn, will bring competence back to the OSPI!"

Dorn, who has been out of the public eye in recent years, criticized the current Superintendent of Public Instruction (name unknown) for being "a bystander instead of a leader" as the debate over school reform has become the most heated, and further characterized the incumbent as "a money-grubbing jackass who seems more interested in boosting his retirement payout than actually improving schools."

Calls to OSPI had not been returned as of press time.

Read more here, if any.

It's On the Internet, So It Must Be True

Area Liquor Store Manager Always Knows When It's Revenue Forecast Week


(Olympia) Fred Graves, the manager of the liquor store located at 417 Plum Street here in the state's capital, reported record profits today as another depressed revenue forecast was released showing a $1.4 billion dollar hole in the state budget.

"Every time Arun Raha has one of those presentations, my sales spike higher than Mount Rainier!" shared a visibly giddy Graves, who has worked at the state-run liqor store since 1988. "If the money keeps flowing in like this, I just might solve the projected deficit all by myself."

Continued the shopkeeper, "After they release the forecast, I can count on the legislators coming in like clockwork. Craig Pridemore heads right for the hard stuff--that rut in the floor you see in front of the scotch? Alex Wood made that, years ago--and I can always count on Joe Zarelli to get a couple bottles of champaign to celebrate."

"Then there's the Governor. Usually sends Mike in for the foo-foo mixes for Daquiris, stuff like that. Back in 2004 she was a teetotaler. Been a hard couple years on her."

When reached for further comment, the Comedy Writers of America said, "The joke you want to tell about Tomiko-Santos? Just don't."

Members of Roadkill Caucus Meet and Congratulate Selves Over Hilarious "Sure, We Might Raise Revenue" Gag They Played on Sen. Ed Murray

(Secret Headquarters, Olympia Brewing Company) The Roadkill Caucus, a group of moderate Democrats in Olympia that exercised near-total control over the Senate last session, held their bi-monthly secret meeting recently in a festive mood as they celebrated the success of their "Revenue Could Be the Answer!" prank pulled on Senator Ed Murray, the chair of the Senate Ways and Means Committee.

"Did you see the look on his face when Craig (Pridemore) was talking about how sad cuts to school funding made him?" chortled Sen. Steve Hobbs, also a candidate for Congress in the seat being vacated by Jay Inslee. "I knew I couldn't make eye contact with Brian (Hatfield), or we'd both lose our shit."

Murray was apparently so excited over a vote count showing the potential to raise revenue that he issued a press release, further adding to the sense of glee in the room.

"God, this is going to be great!" added Sen. Rodney Tom. "I'll allow some stupid loophole worth $50 million to be closed, and in return I'll get right to work laws, charter schools, and merit pay for teachers, and I'll still get to be called a moderate. Hot damn, happy days are here again!"

Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown of Spokane could not be reached for comment, as a year-long problem with electricity has left her powerless.

Rich Semler Drinks Coffee, Reads Newspaper, Enjoys Quiet Day At Home

Rich Semler, a former Superintendent in the Richland School District who was forced to withdraw from the race for Superintendent of Public Instruction in 2008 after a family illness, had a nice day yesterday according to sources close to the Semler family.

"He got up early and took a little walk around the neighborhood, then went home and read the new George R.R. Martin book instead of struggling in vain to try and find a way to preserve levy equalization," reported the source. "Around noon he and Mrs. Semler went out to lunch at a little Mexican place in Pasco instead of attending an Education Appropriations subcommittee meeting, and then they stopped for a dessert at the Cold Stone Creamery instead of giving a minute's worth of thought to the Common Core standards."

"Then last night, instead of getting reamed on a conference call about the achievement gap, he played around on Reddit for a while before going to bed early, since they're driving over to Redmond tomorrow to see their grandkids instead of to Olympia for an emergency cabinet meeting about the revenue forecast."

"Randy Dorn is doing an excellent job," offered Doctor Semler from his easy chair. "I wish him all the success in the world. Job's all yours, Randy!"

Read more here, if any.

Fake News Friday: Legislative Edition

Ed Reform Bill Offers Low Class Size, Additional Funding, Indentured ServitudeHB2261, the omnibus education reform proposal championed by Rep. Ross Hunter (D-Medina), was the primary topic of his town hall meeting this past Saturday during a break from the legislature.

Rep. Hunter touted many of the merits of the bill, including a plan to redefine the definition of basic education, implementing the Core 24 proposal to add more rigor to the high schools, and forcing teachers into a life of involuntary slavery for a period of "between 5 to 7 years."

"All of us on the Basic Ed Finance Task Force worked hard to develop positive, pro-kid and pro-parent solutions to the crisis in education," said Rep. Hunter, "and we've developed a clear blueprint on how to do that: prototype schools, regional salary differences, and random beatings of anyone holding a degree in education."

"I know that the proposal has a high price tag, but remember that time is money, and by giving teachers 10 additional work days I'm giving them more time, so that's pretty much the same thing, right?"

Across the county at his town hall meeting Sen. Fred Jarrett (RD, Mercer Island) continued on the theme of reforming teacher salary.

"Hard work is it's own reward, and with these changes I look forward to rewarding teachers twice as much. When they're forc.....er, encouraged to pursue National Certification to get to the top of the salary schedule, I'm sure they'll all be thanking me."

"Of course I'm sure," added Sen. Jarrett. "Only someone with absolute certainty on their side could be as cocksure as I am."

When asked for comment WEA president Mary Lindquist replied with a stream of expletives unfit for publishing on a family blog.

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Washington State Labor Council Leader Promises "Not One Penny More" to McDonalds Until He Gets His Chicken McNuggets

A visibly angered Rick Bender, president of the Washington State Labor Council, spoke to reporters outside an Olympia area McDonalds today, promising that the restaurant would not receive "one penny more" of his money until he received the 9-piece Chicken McNuggets that he had ordered, along with "not less than 2" packages of honey mustard dip.

"This clearly demonstrates the need to raise the minimum wage, invest more in worker training programs, and allow these fine young men and women to collectively bargain," said the labor leader, "because if they can't tell the difference between me asking for chicken mcnuggets and a grilled chicken, then management has won and all of us, the American people, have lost."

Bender's language was oddly similar in both tone and substance to a controversial email that lead Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, House Speaker Frank Chopp, and Governor Chris Gregoire to kill labor's #1 priority bill, the Worker Privacy Act, which was vehemently opposed by business interests.

Added Bender, "Until McDonalds gets their act together, my solidarity will lie only with Wendy's."

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Legislators Declare Spring BreakDeciding that they had worked hard and put in "a ton of hours," Speaker Frank Chopp and Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown announced today that lawmakers would be given the week of March 23rd to March 27th off as a spring holiday.

"Look, we've been putting in a ton of hours," said Speaker Chopp as he was packing his bags in his Olympia area apartment. "I know the budget's not done, but people need to chill the hell out."

"I mean, have you seen Hans Dunshee lately? Christ."

Rep. Dunshee, the chair of the House Capital Budget committee, wore a speedo and little else during a hearing this afternoon, causing Rep. Marcie Maxwell (D-Mercer Island) to move for an early adjournment that quickly and unanimously passed on a bipartisan vote.

Said Dunshee, "SPRIIIIIIIIIING BREAK! SPRING BREEEEEEEEEEEEAK! WOOO WOOOO WOOOO!"

Republican support for the spring break idea was more limited. Sen. Mark Schoesler of Ritzville gave it his grudging support, acknowledging that, "the combine could use some work," while Rep. Richard Debolt of Chehalis expressed concern that there wasn't really much of a Nascar race to watch this week.

The legislature will reconvene on Monday, March 30th.

Read more here, if any.

Fake News Friday: Back Where We Belong Edition

Districts Turn Down $12 Billion In State Funding Because of Strings Attached
(Olympia) The state was thrown into an uproar today as all 295 school districts declined to accept their yearly apportionment from the state, effectively shutting down the schools and throwing the upcoming academic year into chaos.

The districts took the unprecedented step because of concerns about “strings” attached to accepting the state money.

“We felt that by accepting the state money to operate the schools we would be obligating ourselves to follow rules set by the state, and that’s become an increasingly untenable position,” said Seattle Schools Superintendent Dr. Neil Schon at a hastily arranged press conference on the steps of the Capitol building.

Among the issues cited by Schon: requiring a 6-period day when the state only pays for 5 periods; increasingly high teacher cost-of-living costs; a requirement to “adequately teach” the children of the state; requiring instruction in math and reading; and allowing kids into the buildings.

“Last year one of my principals had a great, great idea to reduce discipline problems by banning students from the campus during daylight hours,” explained Dr. Schon, “but then the state comes along and tells us that’s not OK. Another one of my principals figured out that if we didn’t teach math then we couldn’t be held responsible for the math WASL, but again here comes the state saying no, we have to teach math.”

“If we accept this money, then local control means nothing, so we’re just not going to take the money.”

Reaction across the state was mixed. Bob Williams, executive director of the Evergreen Freedom Foundation, immediately vowed to fill the void by creating a system of “Carter Schools,” named after the former president. Many parents expressed confusion as to how their children would attend school this coming year, while millions of students urged the administrators to stick to their guns, refuse the money, and not open the schools.

In a related story, many teachers report that they are self-medicating with various over-the-counter liquids to combat the depression that comes on every August 1st when they realize that the precious, precious days of summer are coming to a close and work resumes in scant weeks.

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In Unique Agreement, COLA to Be Paid in Cola
(Spokane Valley) The Central Valley School District was faced with an untenable situation. Due to a cost of living allowance (COLA) for teachers passed by the state legislature last year, CV was potentially going to need to lay-off employees and make other drastic cuts to fund the COLA for those employees who are paid for out of local and federal dollars.

That’s when Michael Moneypenny, Assistant Superintendent for Financial Services in the school district, got creative.

“We’ve got a Pepsi bottling plant right here in the district, so I figured why not?” said Mr. Moneypenny as he unloaded crates of Pepsi products from the back of a truck pulled up to the district office.

Under the unique agreement between the district, the teacher’s union, and Pepsi, teacher salaries will remain unchanged from last year. Instead, each teacher will receive 200 cases of the Pepsi product of their choice to make up for the lost salary.

“We were able to provide the pop to the district at cost,” stated a proud Donald “Fizz” Frizzella, plant manager for Pepsi’s Spokane location. “We’re incredibly happy to help out the district and make this connection with the teachers.”

Teachers are said to be delighted with the agreement.

“I’m getting 100 cases of energy drink and 100 cases of Cherry Pepsi,” exclaimed a visibly elated Ryan Grant, a first grade teacher in the district. “Pre-diabetes be damned, I’m doin’ some drinkin’!”

In coordination with the program, any student who collects 8 Pepsi caps will be given extra credit for the class of their choice.

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State Board of Education Adopts “Core 24” After Failing to Find Witty Rhyme for the Number 25
(Vancouver) The State Board of Education today adopted a new plan for high school graduation that will require students to earn 24 credits before graduating, up from the current 19. The system, known as “Core 24”, was adopted after members of the state board failed to come up with a neat rhyme for the number 25.

“We really liked 25,” said Sharon King, a member-at-large from Snohomish. “It’s five times five, and it’s also five squared, and if you have five fives, that makes 25. It doesn’t get much better than that, does it?”

The 25-credit proposal floundered when a suitable alliterative descriptor couldn’t be agreed upon.

“Jeff (Jackson) and I kind of liked “Thrive with 25”, but Stacy (Kingston) and Mike (Santos) were stuck on “25 Live!” I think it’s a John Kiester thing,” said Ms. King.

Mr. Santos, a superintendent in the Benge School District, echoed Ms. King’s telling of the dispute.

“After we went back and forth for 2 hours about what we thought was best, it seemed a lot easier to just drop it down to 24 and use core as the adjective,” said Mr. Santos.

Added Santos, “I think that we can all agree that Frank Miller’s “Wheeeee! 23!” plan was pretty stupid.”

Mr. Miller could not be reached for comment.

Read more here, if any.

Fake News Friday: The 6 Days Late/1 Day Early Edition

Contract Negotiations Hinge on Workday, Per Diem, Magical Pony Rides
(Marysville) Contract negotiations between the administration and teacher’s union in the Marysville School District reached an impasse today, with both sides reporting that they are “far apart” on issues including the structure of the teacher work day, the amount of paid per diem time teachers will receive, and magical pony rides.

“District administrators, and particularly Superintendent Josh Holland, have shown that they don’t value teachers by refusing to even engage with us on our requests,” said Marysville Education Association (MEA) President Steven Hirsch in a statement to reporters outside the MEA office yesterday afternoon. “The teachers in the Marysville School District deserve rides on a magical pony, preferably a dappled steed of pink and powder blue with glitter highlights, and our Bargaining Team will not rest until that happens.”

“After all, that’s what the administration gets.”

Superintendent Holland denied that the administrators in the district are in possession of a magical pony suitable for riding.

“Listen, when the MEA went out on strike in 2002 this issue was brought up at the table at that time,” stated Dr. Holland. “We told them then that we don’t have a pony to give them, we’ve told them now that we don’t have a pony to give them, and we will continue to tell them well into the future that we don’t have a pony to give them. I mean, Christ, a magic pony? Who the hell actually believes this nonsense?”

The Superintendent then flew off into the sunset on wings of a majestic, perfume-farting silver dragon.

Contract talks between the two sides are set to resume next week.

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Book Study Book Steady—Unmoved Since May
(Moses Lake) Today marked the 75th consecutive day that “RTI: A Practitioner’s Guide to Implementing Response to Intervention” has sat unread on teacher Ashley Griffith’s bedside table, reports her husband Steve Griffith.

“Ashley brought the book home from her school last May, when her principal bought a copy for everyone to use in this year’s book study group,” said Mr. Griffith in an interview live from the couple’s bedroom. “She seemed really excited about it at the time, and I think she might have read the introduction one night, but since then, nothing.”

The unread book sits within arm reach of Mrs. Griffith’s customary sleeping spot, an intentional placement meant to facilitate the process of getting the book read. Since being place on the bedside table May 17th the book has only been touched by human hands once, when Mrs. Griffith was reaching for her alarm clock. Currently the book lies beneath a Cosmopolitan Magazine, with a glass of water sitting upon both.

“Maybe she’ll read it this month, maybe she won’t. Who knows?” pondered Mr. Griffith. “Lord knows I don’t like reading things for the job when I’m on vacation.”

Read more here, if any.

Sometimes Only the Jester Can Tell the Truth

Take New York, where satire is being used to profound effect as the schools get redesigned again, and again, and again.

Take me, who really doesn't have a point to make but was warped by Optimus Prime dying back in the '80s and never really recovered.

Hat-tip to Alex Russo for the link.

Read more here, if any.

Fake News Friday: An Even Specialer Wednesday Edition

5th Grade Teacher Horrified to Find that CBA in Dance Wasn’t a Joke
(Spokane) Roger Kalnoski, a 5th grade teacher at Pratt Elementary in the Spokane School District, was horrified today to find out that the proposed Classroom Based Assessment (CBA) in dance wasn’t a big practical joke put together by the state Superintendent.

“So I’m showing one of the other teachers on my team this CBA I found,” explained Mr. Kalnoski, “and I’m totally playing it up as a big put-on from the state, and then she’s like, “No, Rog...it’s legit. We’re actually going to have to do one of those,” and I was all like “What the hell? You’ve got to be kidding me!”

The stunned teacher’s shock quickly turned to horror as he read further through the web page. “Christ, these come on line this year? We just cut back on art and music, we’ve got science and civics in my grade, and now this? You have GOT to be kidding me!”

After being assured that he was not, in fact, being kidded, Mr. Kalnoski rolled his eyes and sighed audibly. “One more (censored) thing,” he sighed. What’s next, CBAs for PE?”

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Deficient Pirates to Be Remediated Through ArrrTI Framework
(Ilwaco) State Superintendent of Public Instruction Terry Bergeson chose this coastal town today to announce a new program, called ArrrTI, that will be used to help “all pirates reach their maximum potential.”

“Most pirates do a great job with their deck-swabbing and booty-plundering,” explained Superintendent Bergeson, “but there are some scurvy seadogs who struggle with the traditional pirate duties. With ArrrTI, we can ensure that even the most lily-livered bottom-dwelling bilge rat on the ship earns his pantaloons.”

Under ArrrTI, pirates who are having trouble meeting the standards outlined in the state’s Pirate Learning Expectations (PLEs) will be given a series of intensive interventions designed to help them catch up with the rest of their crew. Before ArrrTI, deficient pirates would have been keel-hauled or sent to Davy Jones’ locker.

Experts in the pirate field gave the program mixed reviews, with the Adna Pirate offering a hearty “Arrrrrrrrrrrr!”, while the Rogers Pirate mustered only a halfhearted “Arrrrr.”

The program, which will cost $127 million dollars, will be funded by plunder and looting.

Read more here, if any.

Fake News Friday: A Very Special Tuesday Edition

Area Teacher Has Done Absolutely Nothing to Develop More Effective Teaching Techniques During Her Summer Vacation
(Vancouver) Parents and teachers across the state were outraged today when teacher Lindsey Huffington, 28, revealed that she “hadn’t spent one single minute” of her summer vacation thinking about the upcoming school year.

Ms. Huffington, an English and Social Studies teacher at Meadowdale Middle School in Vancouver, said that she was instead spending the time “relaxing with friends and family,” prompting immediate outrage from education stakeholders.

“At the very least it seems like Lindsey could be formulating essential questions for her PLC team for the next year, or analyzing the new research that Robert Marzano has put out on effective schools. But to do nothing? That’s just selfish,” asserted Dr. Silas Oldfellow, a researcher in the Education Department at Western Washington University. “She should form a summertime critical friends group to keep her motivated.”

76 year old Graham Gronke, a frequent newspaper editorial letter writer, echoed Dr. Oldfellow’s criticism. “If the damn teachers want more money, they should do more work!” said Gronke in a phone interview. “No wonder the damn kids don’t have any discipline, since the teachers don’t either. Feh, I say!”

In response to the criticism Ms. Huffington poured a cold glass of lemonade, grabbed a Nora Roberts books that she’d already read, and headed out to a waiting hammock under the old magnolia tree.

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Superintendent Bergeson Appoints Leeroy Jenkins Director of Rushing Into Things Half-Assed
(Olympia) In a noontime press conference today at the Old Capital Building, state Superintendent of Public Instruction Terry Bergeson appointed Mr. Leeroy Jenkins to the newly created post of Director of Rushing Into Things Half Assed.

“For too long we’ve been doing half-assed behaviors in a half-fast way,” said Dr. Bergeson, smiling wryly at her own pun. “With Director Jenkins leading the way, I am certain that we will be able to screw up every initiative that is put before us twice as fast as we have been.”

Jenkins will be paid $122,000 a year for his work in the newly created position. He has set out an ambitious agenda for his first week, including re-writing the state math standards a short 3 months after the newest standards were released; appointing a panel of national board certified teachers to develop solutions to a problem that will be identified later; transferring all employees in the Assessment and Instruction division to the state Department of Ecology; and personally visiting all 150 members of the state congress to inform them about a new plan to do a thing.

Mr. Jenkins did not make himself available for report’s questions, offering instead a printed statement that read in full, “At least I have chicken.”

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Read more here, if any.

Fake News Friday 3: Fake Harder

State Math Teachers Push for Cosine Die Day at Legislature

(Olympia) With Washington State legislators set to adjourn Sine Die on April 22nd, the Washington State Math Council has a question: "Why not a Cosine Die, too?"

"It's only fair," said Renee Anderson, president of the WSMC. "A sine without a cosine would be as ridiculous as a vertice without a corresponding supplementary angle. And we all know how ridiculous that would be, right?"

Mr. Anderson then chuckled to himself over the ridiculousness of it all.

Legislators expressed a cautious optimism in adding a Cosine Die day to the legislative calendar. Senator Lisa Brown suggested it could be the day after Sine Die, while Secretary of State Sam Reed proposed moving up Cosine Die to match with what California does with their Cosine Die day.

Bergeson Demoted to Notbadintendent of Public Instruction

(OSPI) In a stunning blow to her long-time friend and colleague in state government, Governor Chris Gregoire today demoted Terry Bergeson, director of the state's school, from Superintendent to Notbadintendent.

"I regret having to take this step, but it's been a long time coming," said Governor Gregoire. "When we even have to have the conversation we are about delaying the math WASL, when our science scores are as low as they are and trending flat, when we invest the billions that we do and still have to suffer mediocrity instead of embracing excellence....well, it's pretty easy to see that's just not Super."

"By any value-added measure, she hasn't added much value."

Dr. Bergeson spoke to reporters while moving her personal effects from her former office, a spacious suite on the third floor of the Old Capital Building, to an old broom closet on the first floor, just off the lobby.

"This is clearly an unfair and arbitrary decision on the Governor's part," said a visibly shaken Bergeson as she pulled diplomas off of her wall. "The work that I produced was valuable, even if her precious "value added" model doesn't show it. Look at the reports I produced, the sheet volume of regulation that has come out of this office under my guiding hand! I'm Terry Bergeson, dammit!"

Bergeson then kicked Pete Bylsma in the shin and stormed off in a huff.

Read more here, if any.

Fake News Friday, Volume 2

Legislature Increases Ed Budget by 157 Bazillion Dollars!

WEA President Charles Hasse: “It’s a start.”

(Olympia) In a strict party-line vote the state Senate today passed the largest education budget in Washington State history, rising from the previous $43 billion dollars to approximately $157 bazillion dollars.

“We applaud the legislature for finally beginning to spend the money needed to provide a basic education for every student in Washington,” said Charles Hasse, President of the Washington Education Association. “This is a good down-payment, and we look forward to seeing the number go even higher in future legislative sessions.”

Others were less enthusiastic. Representative Skip Priest, the ranking Republican on the House Education Committee, pointed out that the amount budgeted was several times more than the total net worth of every resident in Washington State combined, while Bob Morton of Kettle Falls showed that the United States Treasury would have to print million dollar bills non-stop for the next 300 years to even make that much money. Their comments were brushed aside by Senator Chris Marr of Spokane, who promised to come up with the money by wishing upon a falling star and dancing with pixies in the moonlight.

Roger Erickson, a social studies teacher in the small Asotin school district in rural Whitman County, seemed nonplussed about the whole debate. “What do I care? I’m frickin’ rich now!” he chortled from inside a specially designed Hummer H3 that runs on burning $100 bills. Under the Democratic budget, Mr. Erickson will make $10 billion dollars next year.

In a related story, the new Alaska Way Viaduct will be an unpaved sidewalk.

Former Vader Students Begin Construction of Death Star

Ryderwood Residents Feel a Disturbance in the Force

(Vader, Washington) Displaced student from the recently closed Vader School in southern Lewis County announced today that they had begun construction of a Death Star.

The Death Star, roughly 2000 feet in circumference and with no accessible air shafts, is the brain child of Annie “Kin” Walker, a 2nd grade student at the school and self-proclaimed big fan of the Star Wars movies.

“Darth had it right,” said the spunky 8 year old, staring westward down Highway 506 from Vader to Ryderwood. “The only way to achieve what you want is through the application of raw power to crush your enemies and take that which was theirs. I’ve learned that lesson well.”

“They may take my school, but those of us who called Vader home will have the last laugh. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Annie then ran off with some of her fellow grade-schoolers to finish work on the targeting array.

Residents of Ryderwood, the area that received the brunt of the blame for the recent levy failure that lead to the collapse of the Vader District, have watched with a vague but growing sense of unease as the rapidly assembled Death Star has begun to take shape on the horizon.

“My tax dollars better not be used to make that stupid thing,” said a visibly angered Dean Hill, spokesperson for the Ryderwood Community. “If the little bastards had built a new gym for themselves, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation!”

Added Gayle Johns, who celebrated when the levy failed, “This is why we want to take over….er, become part of….Boisefort now. The Vader kids will be far better off in Castle Rock—now there’s a town that knows how to make a Death Star!”

Read more here, if any.