Saturday, September 17, 2011

It's On the Internet, So It Must Be True

Area Liquor Store Manager Always Knows When It's Revenue Forecast Week

(Olympia) Fred Graves, the manager of the liquor store located at 417 Plum Street here in the state's capital, reported record profits today as another depressed revenue forecast was released showing a $1.4 billion dollar hole in the state budget.

"Every time Arun Raha has one of those presentations, my sales spike higher than Mount Rainier!" shared a visibly giddy Graves, who has worked at the state-run liqor store since 1988. "If the money keeps flowing in like this, I just might solve the projected deficit all by myself."

Continued the shopkeeper, "After they release the forecast, I can count on the legislators coming in like clockwork. Craig Pridemore heads right for the hard stuff--that rut in the floor you see in front of the scotch? Alex Wood made that, years ago--and I can always count on Joe Zarelli to get a couple bottles of champaign to celebrate."

"Then there's the Governor. Usually sends Mike in for the foo-foo mixes for Daquiris, stuff like that. Back in 2004 she was a teetotaler. Been a hard couple years on her."

When reached for further comment, the Comedy Writers of America said, "The joke you want to tell about Tomiko-Santos? Just don't."

Members of Roadkill Caucus Meet and Congratulate Selves Over Hilarious "Sure, We Might Raise Revenue" Gag They Played on Sen. Ed Murray

(Secret Headquarters, Olympia Brewing Company) The Roadkill Caucus, a group of moderate Democrats in Olympia that exercised near-total control over the Senate last session, held their bi-monthly secret meeting recently in a festive mood as they celebrated the success of their "Revenue Could Be the Answer!" prank pulled on Senator Ed Murray, the chair of the Senate Ways and Means Committee.

"Did you see the look on his face when Craig (Pridemore) was talking about how sad cuts to school funding made him?" chortled Sen. Steve Hobbs, also a candidate for Congress in the seat being vacated by Jay Inslee. "I knew I couldn't make eye contact with Brian (Hatfield), or we'd both lose our shit."

Murray was apparently so excited over a vote count showing the potential to raise revenue that he issued a press release, further adding to the sense of glee in the room.

"God, this is going to be great!" added Sen. Rodney Tom. "I'll allow some stupid loophole worth $50 million to be closed, and in return I'll get right to work laws, charter schools, and merit pay for teachers, and I'll still get to be called a moderate. Hot damn, happy days are here again!"

Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown of Spokane could not be reached for comment, as a year-long problem with electricity has left her powerless.

Rich Semler Drinks Coffee, Reads Newspaper, Enjoys Quiet Day At Home

Rich Semler, a former Superintendent in the Richland School District who was forced to withdraw from the race for Superintendent of Public Instruction in 2008 after a family illness, had a nice day yesterday according to sources close to the Semler family.

"He got up early and took a little walk around the neighborhood, then went home and read the new George R.R. Martin book instead of struggling in vain to try and find a way to preserve levy equalization," reported the source. "Around noon he and Mrs. Semler went out to lunch at a little Mexican place in Pasco instead of attending an Education Appropriations subcommittee meeting, and then they stopped for a dessert at the Cold Stone Creamery instead of giving a minute's worth of thought to the Common Core standards."

"Then last night, instead of getting reamed on a conference call about the achievement gap, he played around on Reddit for a while before going to bed early, since they're driving over to Redmond tomorrow to see their grandkids instead of to Olympia for an emergency cabinet meeting about the revenue forecast."

"Randy Dorn is doing an excellent job," offered Doctor Semler from his easy chair. "I wish him all the success in the world. Job's all yours, Randy!"



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