Fake News Friday: An Even Specialer Wednesday Edition

5th Grade Teacher Horrified to Find that CBA in Dance Wasn’t a Joke
(Spokane) Roger Kalnoski, a 5th grade teacher at Pratt Elementary in the Spokane School District, was horrified today to find out that the proposed Classroom Based Assessment (CBA) in dance wasn’t a big practical joke put together by the state Superintendent.

“So I’m showing one of the other teachers on my team this CBA I found,” explained Mr. Kalnoski, “and I’m totally playing it up as a big put-on from the state, and then she’s like, “No, Rog...it’s legit. We’re actually going to have to do one of those,” and I was all like “What the hell? You’ve got to be kidding me!”

The stunned teacher’s shock quickly turned to horror as he read further through the web page. “Christ, these come on line this year? We just cut back on art and music, we’ve got science and civics in my grade, and now this? You have GOT to be kidding me!”

After being assured that he was not, in fact, being kidded, Mr. Kalnoski rolled his eyes and sighed audibly. “One more (censored) thing,” he sighed. What’s next, CBAs for PE?”

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Deficient Pirates to Be Remediated Through ArrrTI Framework
(Ilwaco) State Superintendent of Public Instruction Terry Bergeson chose this coastal town today to announce a new program, called ArrrTI, that will be used to help “all pirates reach their maximum potential.”

“Most pirates do a great job with their deck-swabbing and booty-plundering,” explained Superintendent Bergeson, “but there are some scurvy seadogs who struggle with the traditional pirate duties. With ArrrTI, we can ensure that even the most lily-livered bottom-dwelling bilge rat on the ship earns his pantaloons.”

Under ArrrTI, pirates who are having trouble meeting the standards outlined in the state’s Pirate Learning Expectations (PLEs) will be given a series of intensive interventions designed to help them catch up with the rest of their crew. Before ArrrTI, deficient pirates would have been keel-hauled or sent to Davy Jones’ locker.

Experts in the pirate field gave the program mixed reviews, with the Adna Pirate offering a hearty “Arrrrrrrrrrrr!”, while the Rogers Pirate mustered only a halfhearted “Arrrrr.”

The program, which will cost $127 million dollars, will be funded by plunder and looting.