Fake News Friday: A Very Special Tuesday Edition

Area Teacher Has Done Absolutely Nothing to Develop More Effective Teaching Techniques During Her Summer Vacation
(Vancouver) Parents and teachers across the state were outraged today when teacher Lindsey Huffington, 28, revealed that she “hadn’t spent one single minute” of her summer vacation thinking about the upcoming school year.

Ms. Huffington, an English and Social Studies teacher at Meadowdale Middle School in Vancouver, said that she was instead spending the time “relaxing with friends and family,” prompting immediate outrage from education stakeholders.

“At the very least it seems like Lindsey could be formulating essential questions for her PLC team for the next year, or analyzing the new research that Robert Marzano has put out on effective schools. But to do nothing? That’s just selfish,” asserted Dr. Silas Oldfellow, a researcher in the Education Department at Western Washington University. “She should form a summertime critical friends group to keep her motivated.”

76 year old Graham Gronke, a frequent newspaper editorial letter writer, echoed Dr. Oldfellow’s criticism. “If the damn teachers want more money, they should do more work!” said Gronke in a phone interview. “No wonder the damn kids don’t have any discipline, since the teachers don’t either. Feh, I say!”

In response to the criticism Ms. Huffington poured a cold glass of lemonade, grabbed a Nora Roberts books that she’d already read, and headed out to a waiting hammock under the old magnolia tree.

---

Superintendent Bergeson Appoints Leeroy Jenkins Director of Rushing Into Things Half-Assed
(Olympia) In a noontime press conference today at the Old Capital Building, state Superintendent of Public Instruction Terry Bergeson appointed Mr. Leeroy Jenkins to the newly created post of Director of Rushing Into Things Half Assed.

“For too long we’ve been doing half-assed behaviors in a half-fast way,” said Dr. Bergeson, smiling wryly at her own pun. “With Director Jenkins leading the way, I am certain that we will be able to screw up every initiative that is put before us twice as fast as we have been.”

Jenkins will be paid $122,000 a year for his work in the newly created position. He has set out an ambitious agenda for his first week, including re-writing the state math standards a short 3 months after the newest standards were released; appointing a panel of national board certified teachers to develop solutions to a problem that will be identified later; transferring all employees in the Assessment and Instruction division to the state Department of Ecology; and personally visiting all 150 members of the state congress to inform them about a new plan to do a thing.

Mr. Jenkins did not make himself available for report’s questions, offering instead a printed statement that read in full, “At least I have chicken.”

---