Today's Fake News From Olympia

Hilarious Redistricting Mishap Moves Senator Rodney Tom to Eastern Washington

"I do not like this, and will be writing a strongly worded letter to the commission," said Senator Tom. "It is very cold over there, and I do not like trees. Plus, an old gypsy woman cursed that I will spontaneously combust if I ever set fit in a school district that receives levy equalization."

Funding for Arena Bail Out Secured by Redirecting Seattle Deep Bore Tunnel Through Wenatchee

Department of Transportation officials estimate the average commute up the waterfront will take 7 hours, and the new re-designed project will require the state to issue $3.8 trillion dollars of construction bonds.

New John L. O'Brien Building Wolf Pack Being Met With Mixed Reviews By Legislators

The pack, which like the Lookout, Smackout, and Diamond packs was named after the geographical area where it has taken up residence, has caused some level of consternation among legislators and staff members who work in the JLOB building.

"We haven't seen (Representative) Luis Moscoso's legislative assistant, Peter, in nearly a week, and we had to cancel the last JLARC meeting because of all the howling coming from Hearing Room 2," explained Rep. Dave Upthegrove, chair of the Environment Committee. "I fully support the right of these majestic creatures to exist, but I'll confess to being slightly miffed."

Jay Inslee Calls for Extended Special Session to Run Through Election Day 2012

"This has absolutely nothing to do with the fundraising freeze that Attorney General McKenna has to live under while the legislature is in session, and everything to do with....something else," said Representative Inslee from a fundraiser in Seattle. "Given all the issues facing Washington today, it's better for them to stay in session. Yeah, that's the ticket."

Randy Dorn Announces Candidacy for Superintendent of Public Instruction, Promises to Bring Competence, Integrity Back to the Office

Former teacher, school administrator, and legislator Randy Dorn announced today that he would be seeking the office of Superintendent of Public Instruction, making him the titular head of schools in Washington State at a critical juncture in the education reform movement.

"For too long now the Superintendent of Public Instruction has been an empty suit, completely useless, ignored by legislators and teachers alike. The Governor even proposed eliminating the position, which shows you how feckless the leadership over there in the Old Capital Building has been. Today I promise you that I, Randy Dorn, will bring competence back to the OSPI!"

Dorn, who has been out of the public eye in recent years, criticized the current Superintendent of Public Instruction (name unknown) for being "a bystander instead of a leader" as the debate over school reform has become the most heated, and further characterized the incumbent as "a money-grubbing jackass who seems more interested in boosting his retirement payout than actually improving schools."

Calls to OSPI had not been returned as of press time.