Fake News Friday: The 6 Days Late/1 Day Early Edition

Contract Negotiations Hinge on Workday, Per Diem, Magical Pony Rides
(Marysville) Contract negotiations between the administration and teacher’s union in the Marysville School District reached an impasse today, with both sides reporting that they are “far apart” on issues including the structure of the teacher work day, the amount of paid per diem time teachers will receive, and magical pony rides.

“District administrators, and particularly Superintendent Josh Holland, have shown that they don’t value teachers by refusing to even engage with us on our requests,” said Marysville Education Association (MEA) President Steven Hirsch in a statement to reporters outside the MEA office yesterday afternoon. “The teachers in the Marysville School District deserve rides on a magical pony, preferably a dappled steed of pink and powder blue with glitter highlights, and our Bargaining Team will not rest until that happens.”

“After all, that’s what the administration gets.”

Superintendent Holland denied that the administrators in the district are in possession of a magical pony suitable for riding.

“Listen, when the MEA went out on strike in 2002 this issue was brought up at the table at that time,” stated Dr. Holland. “We told them then that we don’t have a pony to give them, we’ve told them now that we don’t have a pony to give them, and we will continue to tell them well into the future that we don’t have a pony to give them. I mean, Christ, a magic pony? Who the hell actually believes this nonsense?”

The Superintendent then flew off into the sunset on wings of a majestic, perfume-farting silver dragon.

Contract talks between the two sides are set to resume next week.

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Book Study Book Steady—Unmoved Since May
(Moses Lake) Today marked the 75th consecutive day that “RTI: A Practitioner’s Guide to Implementing Response to Intervention” has sat unread on teacher Ashley Griffith’s bedside table, reports her husband Steve Griffith.

“Ashley brought the book home from her school last May, when her principal bought a copy for everyone to use in this year’s book study group,” said Mr. Griffith in an interview live from the couple’s bedroom. “She seemed really excited about it at the time, and I think she might have read the introduction one night, but since then, nothing.”

The unread book sits within arm reach of Mrs. Griffith’s customary sleeping spot, an intentional placement meant to facilitate the process of getting the book read. Since being place on the bedside table May 17th the book has only been touched by human hands once, when Mrs. Griffith was reaching for her alarm clock. Currently the book lies beneath a Cosmopolitan Magazine, with a glass of water sitting upon both.

“Maybe she’ll read it this month, maybe she won’t. Who knows?” pondered Mr. Griffith. “Lord knows I don’t like reading things for the job when I’m on vacation.”