Fake News Friday: Back Where We Belong Edition

Districts Turn Down $12 Billion In State Funding Because of Strings Attached
(Olympia) The state was thrown into an uproar today as all 295 school districts declined to accept their yearly apportionment from the state, effectively shutting down the schools and throwing the upcoming academic year into chaos.

The districts took the unprecedented step because of concerns about “strings” attached to accepting the state money.

“We felt that by accepting the state money to operate the schools we would be obligating ourselves to follow rules set by the state, and that’s become an increasingly untenable position,” said Seattle Schools Superintendent Dr. Neil Schon at a hastily arranged press conference on the steps of the Capitol building.

Among the issues cited by Schon: requiring a 6-period day when the state only pays for 5 periods; increasingly high teacher cost-of-living costs; a requirement to “adequately teach” the children of the state; requiring instruction in math and reading; and allowing kids into the buildings.

“Last year one of my principals had a great, great idea to reduce discipline problems by banning students from the campus during daylight hours,” explained Dr. Schon, “but then the state comes along and tells us that’s not OK. Another one of my principals figured out that if we didn’t teach math then we couldn’t be held responsible for the math WASL, but again here comes the state saying no, we have to teach math.”

“If we accept this money, then local control means nothing, so we’re just not going to take the money.”

Reaction across the state was mixed. Bob Williams, executive director of the Evergreen Freedom Foundation, immediately vowed to fill the void by creating a system of “Carter Schools,” named after the former president. Many parents expressed confusion as to how their children would attend school this coming year, while millions of students urged the administrators to stick to their guns, refuse the money, and not open the schools.

In a related story, many teachers report that they are self-medicating with various over-the-counter liquids to combat the depression that comes on every August 1st when they realize that the precious, precious days of summer are coming to a close and work resumes in scant weeks.

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In Unique Agreement, COLA to Be Paid in Cola
(Spokane Valley) The Central Valley School District was faced with an untenable situation. Due to a cost of living allowance (COLA) for teachers passed by the state legislature last year, CV was potentially going to need to lay-off employees and make other drastic cuts to fund the COLA for those employees who are paid for out of local and federal dollars.

That’s when Michael Moneypenny, Assistant Superintendent for Financial Services in the school district, got creative.

“We’ve got a Pepsi bottling plant right here in the district, so I figured why not?” said Mr. Moneypenny as he unloaded crates of Pepsi products from the back of a truck pulled up to the district office.

Under the unique agreement between the district, the teacher’s union, and Pepsi, teacher salaries will remain unchanged from last year. Instead, each teacher will receive 200 cases of the Pepsi product of their choice to make up for the lost salary.

“We were able to provide the pop to the district at cost,” stated a proud Donald “Fizz” Frizzella, plant manager for Pepsi’s Spokane location. “We’re incredibly happy to help out the district and make this connection with the teachers.”

Teachers are said to be delighted with the agreement.

“I’m getting 100 cases of energy drink and 100 cases of Cherry Pepsi,” exclaimed a visibly elated Ryan Grant, a first grade teacher in the district. “Pre-diabetes be damned, I’m doin’ some drinkin’!”

In coordination with the program, any student who collects 8 Pepsi caps will be given extra credit for the class of their choice.

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State Board of Education Adopts “Core 24” After Failing to Find Witty Rhyme for the Number 25
(Vancouver) The State Board of Education today adopted a new plan for high school graduation that will require students to earn 24 credits before graduating, up from the current 19. The system, known as “Core 24”, was adopted after members of the state board failed to come up with a neat rhyme for the number 25.

“We really liked 25,” said Sharon King, a member-at-large from Snohomish. “It’s five times five, and it’s also five squared, and if you have five fives, that makes 25. It doesn’t get much better than that, does it?”

The 25-credit proposal floundered when a suitable alliterative descriptor couldn’t be agreed upon.

“Jeff (Jackson) and I kind of liked “Thrive with 25”, but Stacy (Kingston) and Mike (Santos) were stuck on “25 Live!” I think it’s a John Kiester thing,” said Ms. King.

Mr. Santos, a superintendent in the Benge School District, echoed Ms. King’s telling of the dispute.

“After we went back and forth for 2 hours about what we thought was best, it seemed a lot easier to just drop it down to 24 and use core as the adjective,” said Mr. Santos.

Added Santos, “I think that we can all agree that Frank Miller’s “Wheeeee! 23!” plan was pretty stupid.”

Mr. Miller could not be reached for comment.