Friday, March 20, 2009

Fake News Friday: Legislative Edition

Ed Reform Bill Offers Low Class Size, Additional Funding, Indentured Servitude
HB2261, the omnibus education reform proposal championed by Rep. Ross Hunter (D-Medina), was the primary topic of his town hall meeting this past Saturday during a break from the legislature.

Rep. Hunter touted many of the merits of the bill, including a plan to redefine the definition of basic education, implementing the Core 24 proposal to add more rigor to the high schools, and forcing teachers into a life of involuntary slavery for a period of "between 5 to 7 years."

"All of us on the Basic Ed Finance Task Force worked hard to develop positive, pro-kid and pro-parent solutions to the crisis in education," said Rep. Hunter, "and we've developed a clear blueprint on how to do that: prototype schools, regional salary differences, and random beatings of anyone holding a degree in education."

"I know that the proposal has a high price tag, but remember that time is money, and by giving teachers 10 additional work days I'm giving them more time, so that's pretty much the same thing, right?"

Across the county at his town hall meeting Sen. Fred Jarrett (RD, Mercer Island) continued on the theme of reforming teacher salary.

"Hard work is it's own reward, and with these changes I look forward to rewarding teachers twice as much. When they're, encouraged to pursue National Certification to get to the top of the salary schedule, I'm sure they'll all be thanking me."

"Of course I'm sure," added Sen. Jarrett. "Only someone with absolute certainty on their side could be as cocksure as I am."

When asked for comment WEA president Mary Lindquist replied with a stream of expletives unfit for publishing on a family blog.

Washington State Labor Council Leader Promises "Not One Penny More" to McDonalds Until He Gets His Chicken McNuggets

A visibly angered Rick Bender, president of the Washington State Labor Council, spoke to reporters outside an Olympia area McDonalds today, promising that the restaurant would not receive "one penny more" of his money until he received the 9-piece Chicken McNuggets that he had ordered, along with "not less than 2" packages of honey mustard dip.

"This clearly demonstrates the need to raise the minimum wage, invest more in worker training programs, and allow these fine young men and women to collectively bargain," said the labor leader, "because if they can't tell the difference between me asking for chicken mcnuggets and a grilled chicken, then management has won and all of us, the American people, have lost."

Bender's language was oddly similar in both tone and substance to a controversial email that lead Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, House Speaker Frank Chopp, and Governor Chris Gregoire to kill labor's #1 priority bill, the Worker Privacy Act, which was vehemently opposed by business interests.

Added Bender, "Until McDonalds gets their act together, my solidarity will lie only with Wendy's."

Legislators Declare Spring Break
Deciding that they had worked hard and put in "a ton of hours," Speaker Frank Chopp and Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown announced today that lawmakers would be given the week of March 23rd to March 27th off as a spring holiday.

"Look, we've been putting in a ton of hours," said Speaker Chopp as he was packing his bags in his Olympia area apartment. "I know the budget's not done, but people need to chill the hell out."

"I mean, have you seen Hans Dunshee lately? Christ."

Rep. Dunshee, the chair of the House Capital Budget committee, wore a speedo and little else during a hearing this afternoon, causing Rep. Marcie Maxwell (D-Mercer Island) to move for an early adjournment that quickly and unanimously passed on a bipartisan vote.


Republican support for the spring break idea was more limited. Sen. Mark Schoesler of Ritzville gave it his grudging support, acknowledging that, "the combine could use some work," while Rep. Richard Debolt of Chehalis expressed concern that there wasn't really much of a Nascar race to watch this week.

The legislature will reconvene on Monday, March 30th.



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7:45 AM  

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