Fake News Friday, Volume 2

Legislature Increases Ed Budget by 157 Bazillion Dollars!

WEA President Charles Hasse: “It’s a start.”

(Olympia) In a strict party-line vote the state Senate today passed the largest education budget in Washington State history, rising from the previous $43 billion dollars to approximately $157 bazillion dollars.

“We applaud the legislature for finally beginning to spend the money needed to provide a basic education for every student in Washington,” said Charles Hasse, President of the Washington Education Association. “This is a good down-payment, and we look forward to seeing the number go even higher in future legislative sessions.”

Others were less enthusiastic. Representative Skip Priest, the ranking Republican on the House Education Committee, pointed out that the amount budgeted was several times more than the total net worth of every resident in Washington State combined, while Bob Morton of Kettle Falls showed that the United States Treasury would have to print million dollar bills non-stop for the next 300 years to even make that much money. Their comments were brushed aside by Senator Chris Marr of Spokane, who promised to come up with the money by wishing upon a falling star and dancing with pixies in the moonlight.

Roger Erickson, a social studies teacher in the small Asotin school district in rural Whitman County, seemed nonplussed about the whole debate. “What do I care? I’m frickin’ rich now!” he chortled from inside a specially designed Hummer H3 that runs on burning $100 bills. Under the Democratic budget, Mr. Erickson will make $10 billion dollars next year.

In a related story, the new Alaska Way Viaduct will be an unpaved sidewalk.

Former Vader Students Begin Construction of Death Star

Ryderwood Residents Feel a Disturbance in the Force

(Vader, Washington) Displaced student from the recently closed Vader School in southern Lewis County announced today that they had begun construction of a Death Star.

The Death Star, roughly 2000 feet in circumference and with no accessible air shafts, is the brain child of Annie “Kin” Walker, a 2nd grade student at the school and self-proclaimed big fan of the Star Wars movies.

“Darth had it right,” said the spunky 8 year old, staring westward down Highway 506 from Vader to Ryderwood. “The only way to achieve what you want is through the application of raw power to crush your enemies and take that which was theirs. I’ve learned that lesson well.”

“They may take my school, but those of us who called Vader home will have the last laugh. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Annie then ran off with some of her fellow grade-schoolers to finish work on the targeting array.

Residents of Ryderwood, the area that received the brunt of the blame for the recent levy failure that lead to the collapse of the Vader District, have watched with a vague but growing sense of unease as the rapidly assembled Death Star has begun to take shape on the horizon.

“My tax dollars better not be used to make that stupid thing,” said a visibly angered Dean Hill, spokesperson for the Ryderwood Community. “If the little bastards had built a new gym for themselves, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation!”

Added Gayle Johns, who celebrated when the levy failed, “This is why we want to take over….er, become part of….Boisefort now. The Vader kids will be far better off in Castle Rock—now there’s a town that knows how to make a Death Star!”