Don Draper's College Orientation

If I ever get a new job, I'm totally ripping this off.

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The Greatest Comment Ever In the History of the Seattle Times

I love this, from a recent Seattle Times article on using seniority in layoffs:

Yes - God forbid that you clear out the 'dead wood' and keep the best producers... Only a union mentality would make such an inane statement.

These insane results would not happen if we had a VOUTURE system. Students would take their vouture to the schools that retained the very best teachers - not the schools with the oldest teachers. Let the union-mentality public schools compete for the vouture funding as well. Watch how many kids flock to schools with old dead wood teachers that are there only because of their 'seniority'....

VOUTURES NOW!

I think he was probably trying for "vouchers", but who am I to argue? WE NEED VOUTURES NOW!!!!!!!

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This Is What Charts Are For

A great find by Dr. Pezz.


see more Funny Graphs

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School Birthday Parties Have Gone Too Far

see more Fail Blog

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Back to School Sales Have Gone Too Far

see more Fail Blog

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A Post Father's Day Joke

Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

"See here, old friend," said Jesus kindly, "this is Heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play--you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?"

"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."

Tears sprang to Jesus's eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and shouted, "PINOCCHIO!"

(from the brilliant Aristotle and an Aardvark Go To Washington by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein, which will make you think of logic and argument in an entirely new way.)

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Gender Differences Explained

This might be the funniest thing I've ever read on a blog, anywhere.

The times, they have a-changed.

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Christmas Eve Comedy

Kerry Soper's column in the December 5th Chronicle Review is one of the funniest you'll ever hope to see; check it out here. An exerpt:

If students get so frustrated that they start to leave, I tone things down a bit and reveal the details of my peer-at-the-rear philosophy. That includes doing an imitation of what my old teaching persona might have done, had he been there. After getting a taste of that pedagogical nerd, they seem to chill out a bit.

I lay the ground rules: They have to treat me as an equal, not an authority figure or even a knowledgeable mentor. This includes calling me by my first name (or a cool nickname like "Kerr Dawg" or "Super Soper") and greeting me with some kind of groovester handshake or laid-back fist bump. When that's settled, I throw up my hands, say, "Dudes, the class is yours!," and watch as the magic unfolds.

Eventually some of the more alert students will reluctantly organize themselves into study groups. This is a move in the right direction; they're no longer relying on a self-inflated "professor" to show them the way. But they're still full of predictably boring ideas, and so I do my best to disrupt their discussions with postmodern Socratic methods: walking around making annoying sounds; loudly interjecting Zen-like non sequiturs into their conversations ("he who dealt it, smelt it"); or standing behind someone while mouthing their words and mimicking their posture.

Reminds me of a science teacher I once had.

No postings for a few days. Have a Merry Christmas!

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If Your Elementary School Textbook Could Talk

Not safe for work, but funny as hell, from Cracked.com.

Do kids still do that to their textbooks? Being first grade, I wouldn't know.

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Ryan Goes Undercover at the AWSP/WASA Summer Conference

For the last two days I’ve been attending the joint AWSP/WASA conference right here in Spokane. Longtime readers will know that I was recently thrown out of my administrative program, but I had already registered for the conference and paid the fee, and I still don’t know where my career path will lead, so why not go and learn what I can?

The fools! Little do they know that a union operative has infiltrated their so-called “conference” looking for counterintelligence on what our enemies in administration are up to. What I learn from this conclave will be passed on to my brothers and sisters in the politburo so that we can proceed with our master protocol to turn the schools into liberal indoctrination centers—FOREVER!

The first day, Monday, was excellent. The keynote speaker for the morning breakfast was Dr. Tim Waters of McREL, who used a pretty neat aircraft controller metaphor to talk about what teachers do. He had some other thoughts on inter-class and inter-school variance that I’ll be exploring in a post another day. Good guy to listen to.

I clad myself in the style of one of the oppressors—a collared shirt made from a 60/40 polyester/cotton blend, dress shorts, and black socks with white shoes. As I entered their secret wing of the Spokane Convention Center I noticed some of the men wearing jackets, which made me briefly afraid that I was underdressed and my cover would be blown, but my mind was set back at ease when I noticed men walking around wearing socks with sandals. I mean, really, who does that?

In the interim I stepped into the hallway, where Randy Dorn and Terry Bergeson had tables right next to one another. Both were there mingling with the crowd, which was decidedly pro-Bergeson. It’ll be an interesting race.

I was pleased to see that Comrade Dorn had established a base of operations within the convention hall. We traded the secret unionist greeting (“May Shanker guide your hand from the teachers’ wallets to our WEAPAC fund!”) and then parted ways before we drew attention to ourselves.

For my morning session I attended a talk by John Hellwich of the Center for Strengthening the Teaching Profession on how to best use teacher leaders in the schools. I think the idea of the teacher as leader is one of the most important ones that has come along, and it could go a long ways towards strengthening the professionalism of the profession. You can find more information at their website above.

My handlers in the WEA had prepared me well with code phrases that would help me blend in with the adminis-traitors: “That’s what DuFour said!”, “How was the golf tournament?”, and “Are you going to the wine tasting?” I was also given a briefing on the research of Marzano and Reeves and told when speaking to relate whatever I could to them, because it would sound authentic. Sure enough, it worked.

It was then time for the lunch break, which ran 2 and a half hours from 11:15 to 1:45. A big part of that was the association luncheon where they installed the new officers in AWSP for the year, but for someone who doesn’t have the experience or contacts that they do, it wasn't time well spent. After wolfing down the lunch and chatting with the administrative team from Moses Lake I took the time to walk over to Auntie’s Book Store and do some browsing. Bookstores rock.

The corpulent bourgeoisie found it necessary to take more than two hours for their overly-rich midday gorging. I worked the crowd as best I could, then snuck to a local bookstore where I hid my early report in the bottom copy of a stack of “The Audacity of Hope” for my handler to pick up later. I also purchased the McSweeney Joke Book of Book Jokes. John Hodgman is a funny man!

After that, back to work. The first afternoon session I sat in on was presented by Dr. Larry Nyland of Marysville on the changing nature of math instruction in Washington State. There I chatted with some administrators from Blaine and Battle Ground, and it was interesting to hear their perspectives from their own districts.

Despite what Ian Fleming and John LeCarre would lead you to believe, not everything about clandestine work is glamorous. This was one of those times.

The final session of the day was a presentation on the joint WASA/AWSP/PSE/WEA/WSSDA school funding proposal that was presented to the Basic Ed Finance Taskforce early in June. It’s an aggressive, impressive plan for re-doing school budgets here in Washington State, but with the budget the way it is I think it’s all wasted effort. I ended up leaving this session early so I could come home and attend to my daughter. For more information, check out the BETF website, or one of the association homepages over in the side menu.

This is the session where I finally lost my nerve. I had fit in relatively well for most of the day, but with the leaders of the opposition in the room all together I was sure that they would be able to smell the union label on me no matter how hard I tried to cover it up under a veneer of false bravado and vague knowledge. After distracting the illuminati with a complex, layered question about the interrelation between local school levies and the cost basis imposed by local collective bargaining agreements, I ran for my life. My understanding is that Barbara Mertens and Gary Kipp once killed a union member just to watch him die, and I’ve still got a lot to live for.

I’ll talk more about day 2 in a different post. My overall impression of my first AWSP conference, though, is incredibly positive—they did a spectacular job, and I look forward to going again next year!

I have never been more terrified, but exhilarated. I feel like that guy from Into the Wild, and while I never did make it to the end of the movie things seemed to be going OK. The comrades will be pleased with the intel that I have gathered. Solidarity forever!

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How Wikipedia Undid All the Good Works of William Wallace

WIKIPEDIA and other online research sources were yesterday blamed for Scotland's falling exam pass rates.

The Scottish Parent Teacher Council (SPTC) said pupils are turning to websites and internet resources that contain inaccurate or deliberately misleading information before passing it off as their own work.

The group singled out online encyclopedia Wikipedia, which allows entries to be logged or updated by anyone and is not verified by researchers, as the main source of information.

The land of my ancestors, brought down by the internet. I blame Al Gore.

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Maff Laff

see more pwn and owned pictures

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Some of My Favorite Quotes From This Year

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"--Lo, after I told her that eating the blue goo inside the ice pack that came with her lunch couldn't be good for her.

"It's OK, Mr. Grant--the nurse says it's not toxic!"--Lo, still missing the point after a trip to the office.

"My favorite letter is 6!"--N

"I'm not going to get married until I'm 15."--Li

"Mr. Grant, there's poop on the floor."--C, stated in a much more matter-of-fact manner than I could have done.

"I need to go wipe my butt again."--M, for whom TMI has no meaning.

"Stop looking at my boobs!"--Li, to N. I ignored the comment, because talking about boobs with first graders is a good way to get in the paper.

"He doesn't have magic teacher breath--it's velcro!"--P, figuring out why the words really stuck to the word wall.

"Mrs. Smith is having Mr. Grant's baby!"--A, a little confused as to the father of my teaching partner's child. The correct answer: Mr. Smith.

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WASL Test Administration Quiz Release Items

Actual questions from the WASL proctoring training test. And by actual, I mean mostly made up.

1) During the WASL test many students are confused by question #6. Mrs. Smith stops the class and shows them how to approach answering the question. Is this definitely OK, definitely not OK, or too close to call?

Answer: Definitely not OK. You may not expand on any WASL questions.

2) During the test many students are confused by question #6. Mrs. Smith stops the class and berates them for not recalling the three different lessons that she taught on probability; after a 10 minute screaming jag she retreats to her desk and sobs gently into her morning espresso. Is this definitely OK, definitely not OK, or too close to call?

Answer: Definitely OK. Neither screaming nor crying are banned by the test.

3) As students are taking the reading test a group called Mothers Militantly Against the WASL storms the school, breaks into the secure test storage facility, and holds tomorrow’s science WASL hostage for a $1,000,000 ransom. The principal refuses to pay the money. Is this definitely OK, definitely not OK, or too close to call?

Answer: Definitely not OK. The principal should pay any ransom money out of their building budget, or Title II Part C funds.

4) After losing her election for Superintendent of Public Instruction in 2008 Terry Bergeson returns to the classroom. In April of 2009 KOMO News 4 helicopters take video of her on her knees in the school parking lot, plaintively screaming to the heavens for relief from the ungodly testing monster that she helped spawn. Is this definitely OK, definitely not OK, or too close to call?

Answer: Definitely OK, and a delightful image to boot.

5) A teacher refuses to give the WASL and becomes a folk hero with ballads written about him. Meanwhile, his kids still end up taking the test, only their teacher isn’t in the room to be with them through the process. Is this definitely OK, definitely not OK, or too close to call?

Answer: Definitely not OK. C’mon, Carl.

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A Look to the Future

Item--New Business Item #8 from the 2008 WEA Representative Assembly: that WEA, in the future, use its best effort to avoid conflict with the national process to select delegates to the national conventions in presidential years.

Cut ahead to 2011...

Hey Mike, we need to schedule next year’s rep assembly.

Sure thing, John. What dates were you thinking about?

Well, here’s the thing. Do you remember New Business Item #8 from 2008?

The one about scheduling around conventions? Sure!

I went and looked at when the national conventions are scheduled, and that’s not going to be an easy thing.

Why’s that?

Well, I can find a week when we’re not electing delegates to the Democratic National Convention, and I can find a week when we’re not electing delegates to the Republican National Convention…

(John and Mike laugh uproariously over the thought of WEA members going to the RNC)

…but the other conventions are problematic.

What other conventions?

(John gestures to a calendar) Well, the Green Party elects their nominees here, and that’s important for the members from Seattle. The Libertarians picked this weekend, which really effects our small/rural locals.

(Mike, impatiently) OK, that’s four parties, but...

...but the list keeps on going, Mike. The Constitution Party is here, the Prohibition Party is here...

The Prohibition Party? You’ve got to be kidding me!

They’re big in Benge. Then there’s the Socialist Party, the Workers World Party, the Marijuana Party...

I’m guessing they’re not big in Benge.

But you can see the problem, can’t you?

I can, and here’s what we’re going to do. I want you to...

(fin)

The vague ending is intentional, since I have a strong feeling this New Business Item will never be heard of again.

If you ever have a chance to go to Rep Assembly, take it. It’s one of the more interesting exercises in democracy that you’ll ever see.

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Value-Added Formative Standardized Norm-Referenced Diagnostic Summative Standards-Based Criterion-Referenced Screening Tests Are the Answer

That's going to be the title of my presentation at WERA next year. I think I'll use it for my book, too.

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On New Professors

Over at the Chronicle of Higher Education forums they're talking about the Gaping Chasm of Ignorance, including some great satire of new professors:

Help! I can't dress myself! Any tips on tying your own shoes? It's really tough!

Help! I've never taught college, and I have no idea what I'm doing! Dude, writing syllabi 'n' stuff were SO not in the job description!

Help! I stubbed my toe! Should I cancel class?

Help! I think I caught someone cheating. Omigod, can you believe it? Am I supposed to, like, do something about it?

Help! It might rain! Should I take an umbrella? What would you do?

There's more in the full post, and the whole thread is pretty funny.

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Well, shit.

The truth hurts:

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

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Chronicle of Higher Ed Funnies

Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George make some corrections to the college rankings here.

The new WikiScanner, which lets you see who is editing the pages, has been useful in catching what the students are up to on Wikipedia. An exerpt:

University of Florida
July 18, 2005, 4:53 a.m.
128.227.23.102
Original:
"Florida's Ben Hill Griffin Stadium … has a seating capacity of about 93,000."
Changed:
"Florida's Ben Hill Griffin Stadium … is made completely out of goat cheese."

You can read the entire article here.

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Guess the Acronym!

It’s the fun, fun game that anyone in education can play. Below are several acronyms from the world of education, but instead of just giving you the letters (what fun would that be?!) I’ve instead spelled them out either phonetically or used a garbling of the acronym, based on the way that I’ve heard people pronounce it. Answers will be in the “Read here for more” link under the post; give yourself 1 point if you know what the acronym is supposed to be, and two more points if you know what it stands for. For example, if you know that “nickelby” is a corruption of NCLB, which stands for No Child Left Behind, you’re a 3-point winner!

1) Ape
2) Aychcutie
3) Ayesbee
4) Aypee
5) Deeohee
6) essaytea
7) Pee Elsie
8) Elary
9) Eyebee
10) Aye, ‘e pee
11) Toesa
12) Esbeeim
13) Ineeay
14) Aiseatee
15) Nape
16) Es ’ello
17) Itybeeyes
18) (Special 9 point bonus question!) Ohtee, peetee, and esselpee

Ape = AYP = Annual Yearly Progress
Aychcutie = HQT = Highly Qualified Teacher
Ayesbee = ASB = Associated Student Body
Aypee = AP = Advanced Placement, or Assistant Principal
Deeoee = DoE = Department of Education
Essaytea = SAT = Scholastic Aptitude Test
Pee Elsie = PLC = Professional Learning Community
Elary = LRE = Least Restrictive Environment
Eyebee = IB = International Baccalaureate
Aye, ‘e pee = IEP = Individual Education Plan
Toesa = TOSA = Teacher on Special Assignment
Esbeeim = SBM = Site Based Management
Ineeay = NEA = National Education Association
Aiseatee = ACT = American College Test
Nape = NAEP = National Assessment of Educational Progress
Es ‘ello = SLO = Student Learning Objectives
Itybeeyes = ITBS = Iowa Test of Basic Skills
Ohtee, Peetee, and esselpee = OT, PT, and SLP = Occupational Therapist, Physical Therapist, and Speech-Language Pathologist

Scoring:
50-60: Please consider putting your name in to follow Margaret Spellings, because you are the awesome when it comes to acronyms.
40-50: You’re certainly well educated about education.
30-40: Keep your nose to the grindstone, scout, and you’ll be on your way!
20-30: You know, not everyone is meant to go to University. Have you perhaps considered one of our local technical colleges?
10-20: You know, not everyone is meant to finish high school. Have you considered going after your GED?
0-10: The good news is, someone out there still thinks highly of you. Please pick up your participant’s white ribbon at the table on your way out.

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