My Statement to the Press

I thank you all for coming today.

As you know, I was fortunate enough to win the Teacher of the Year award recently. It was a crowning achievement for me, certainly the highlight of my career, and a high point in my life.

It has recently been disclosed that the tests done after the awards ceremony showed that I had unnaturally high levels of teachtosterone in my blood stream. Further tests showed that this was synthetic teachtosterone, and this has led to allegations that I was using steroids to improve my teaching.

I say to you definitively, nothing could be further from the truth! I have never used teaching-enhancing steroids, and there are several legitimate, reasonable explanations for those test results!

1. Just before the awards ceremony I graded several hundred math timings after drinking two cans of the original-formula Red Bull. I normally drink sugar-free, and I submit to you that this could have thrown off the tests.
   
2. Similarly, a copy of Ron Clark’s “The Essential 55” was accidentally left on my nightstand the week before. I think that exposure to this recent classic about successful teaching may have raised my teachtosterone ratios to dangerous levels.
   
3. I had also recently taken to listening to Al Franken on the radio. I am ashamed of myself for giving in, but his dry delivery and impeccable sense of humor grabbed me and refused to let go.
   
4. I was also fired up about some changes in the district. As a union rep, it’s my job to be fired up! You start talking contract and the ol’ heart gets pumping and the teachtosterone kicks in hard. However, this is a natural reaction and not tied to steroids at all!

Finally, I would like to answer one of the most disgusting, scurrilous charges that has been leveled against me—that my teaching talent comes from eating the hearts of young children. All of those missing students transferred to different schools, and I’m sorry they didn’t tell their parents ahead of time, but isn’t that how it is with grade school kids nowadays? I’m sure they’ll be in contact soon.

Thank you for your time.