Sunday, September 06, 2009

My Plan to Save Newspapers

HAVE YOU HEARD? Obama is going to take away the Freedom of Press from the First Amendment! He's upset because his plan to indoctrinate the kids with a speech fell apart because of reporting and stuff, and Al Gore won't let him turn off the internet, so he's going after the newspapers instead!

THIS SOCIALIST MUST BE STOPPED! Call all your friends right now and tell them to subscribe to as many newspapers as they can, immediately! We'll show that Kenyan interloper that REAL AMERICANS will stand up for newspapers, and that if he tries to come after print media he'll get swatted with a rolled up newspaper. YOU BETCHYA!

THESE ARE FACTS, AND AS SUCH CAN NOT BE DEBATED:
  • Glen Beck spent time in Mount Vernon, Washington, and many people in Mount Vernon read newspapers! It's true, I've seen it for myself!

  • Michelle Malkin once wrote a column about not bailing out newspapers, and that's because she wants everyone to just go ahead and become subscribers instead. It's pretty obvious that's what she meant when you read it in the right context.

  • Rush Limbaugh helped to prop up the newspaper industry single-handedly when he asked why women don't like him, giving overworked columnists a day off as they quickly spat out 800 words on the topic and called it a night.

  • Ann Coulter writes a weekly column that is carried by hundreds of tens of some newspapers. HOORAY FOR NEWSPAPERS!
BUY ONE FOR YOURSELF AND ONE FOR THE KIDS; THEY'LL LOVE YOU MORE FOR IT! Newspapers can be fun for the whole family, from comics for the kids to obituaries for the elderly (before the death panels get them).

NEWSPAPERS ARE ENERGY EFFICIENT! You can fan yourself with one in the summer, and use it for insulation in the winter! Also, a newspaper makes a great emergency hobo blanket if you've been laid off and lost your job!

NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS! NEWSPAPERS!

In conclusion, newspapers.

(Idea stolen from here, which you probably can't read because the Spokesman still thinks they're going to be able to make money off their website.)

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