You really want ways to appear smart?

A few months ago I wrote a throw-away post on how to appear smart, based on some trends in the Chronicle of Higher Education that I found funny. Playing around with my Statcounter numbers, though, that’s been one of the most popular posts I have based on keyword searches off of Google. Apparently, people really want ways to appear smart.

So, here’s another list. Maybe it’ll work for you!

1. Use your first initial and middle name along with your last name. Examples include T. Coraghessan Boyle (author of The Road to Wellville), B. Brian Blair (professional wrestler), R. Carlos Nakai (instrumental musician), M. Night Shyamalan (director of The Sixth Sense), and E. Gordon Gee (president of Ohio State University, past president of Vanderbilt).
   
   
2. Develop a knowing smile. It works even better if you can get it with a bit of a twinkle in your eye and an appropriate hand gesture, like holding one knuckle thoughtfully to your lips, or gesturing with your thumb like Dana Carvey used to do during his George Bush Sr. impersonation.
   
   
3. Learn a handful of big words—5 will do—and use them selectively. Something like “heuristically”, for example, can take the place of “Well, in a perfect world…” or “Under ideal circumstances”. Nascent, which stumped a room full of teachers just the other day, can substitute for beginning, starting, or just underway.
   
   
4. I thought about putting read a newspaper here—the 15 to 20 minutes a day you spend would be useful time—but you can frankly get just as much value by combining Jay Leno’s monologue with a dose of The Daily Show.
   
   
5. A wise man once said, “It’s better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” There’s a lot of wisdom in that. I also remember reading a story about a young lady who offered that she felt like listening was better than talking, because you could only talk about things you know but listening allowed you to learn. In brief, shut up and look thoughtful, even if your thoughts are about booze, boobs, and World of Warcraft.
   
   
6. As a corollary to number six (see the power of big words? Do you really know if I used “corollary” correctly or not?), the subject that most people would like to talk about is themselves. If you use active listening questions (e.g., “What’d you think about that? So then what did you do? Where the hell did he find a lemur that time of night?”) that allow the other person to go on about the things they think are important, they’ll consider you quite smart for caring enough to ask.
   
   
7. Take a class. Any class. Hell, one every other year or so is enough. Just being able to tell people, “Yeah, I’ve got class tonight,” makes you sound intellectual, even if the class is on how to make and drink beer.
   
   
8. Drink from a mug. It doesn’t matter what you’re drinking; you just plain look smarter if it’s a mug that you’re drinking it from. Cans are trashy, bottles (unless they’re water bottles!) are worse. For maximum effect, have a picture of some famous intellectual or a college logo on the side.
   
   
9. Have a quirk. Not a threatening quirk, like having voted for Nader, but something more on the whimsical, benign side. Have a passion for one specific comic book character. Start a spoon collection. Memorize famous movie lines and use them ironically in conversation, but don’t go overboard; a couple lines a week is plenty, just like with crack. Having a quirk shows that you’re well rounded, a true intellectual in the Noam Chomsky mold.
   
   
10. Carry a full bag with you wherever you go. Not a grocery bag (hobo!), not luggage (where ya going?)—some sort of briefcase or satchel that is nearly filled to overflowing. Throw in a couple of books, even if you never intend to read them. Buy a couple of magazines like GQ, Money, or Oui. It’ll make you look well read, and well read equals smart!

If you have any others, leave them in the comments section.

Askmen.com has a similar list, here.