Late Election Returns from Your Childhood
The Quimby Household: 3-1 McCain. “You’re Goddamn right I voted for Obama,” spat a visibly agitated Ramona Quimby, age 28, absentmindedly waving around a lit cigarette with her tattoo-covered arm. “That 'Jesus, Beezus' stuff was funny when I was in kindergarten, but this Goofus/Gallant bull*hit that she’s been trying to pass off on Mother and Father for the last decade is bull*hit, that’s what it is—bull*hit.”
“Screw them. I don’t need them. Is Bitch-us still saying that I ran over Ribsy when I was learning to drive? Screw her. I hate that woman.”
Ramona’s older sister, Beatrice Huggins, took a more conciliatory view. “Look, Ramona and I are two different people, for the present,” laughed Mrs. Huggins at a private joke that only she seemed to understand, “but I voted for McCain because he’s right on health care, and that matters a lot to me.”
“It should matter to her, too, when you think about how much money Mother and Father spent when they sent her to that rehab clinic.”
The 100 Acre Wood: 5-3 Obama.
That was the phrase repeated over and over again as Winnie the Pooh watched the election returns. Pooh was one of McCain’s most ardent supporters from early on in the Republican primaries.
“When I get a rumbly in my tumbley, and the only way to stop it is with some delicious honey, I shouldn’t have to share my honey with other people who are too lazy to go out and get their own,” explained the anthropomorphic bear. “People like Darby—an affirmative action hire if I’ve ever seen one—shouldn’t take from people who have worked hard to get where they are. Bother.”
“The bear said that? Really? God, what a dick,” responded Darby, the new human star of My Friends Tigger and Pooh on the Disney Channel. “I had nothing to do with them ditching Christopher Robin in the new show. Today’s generation can handle a new kid in the 100 Acre Wood, and he needs to grow the hell up and get it. Affirmative action hire? We could have Kung Fu Panda in here in a heartbeat to replace him in the bear role, and don’t think I haven’t suggested that.”
“Jerk. Our days of supersleuthing together are over.”
In addition to Darby, other Obama supporters included Kanga and little Roo, Owl, and an orange tiger who offered that he voted Obama because, “Change is what Tiggers do best!” before bouncing off on his tail. Piglet voted for McCain as a show of support for his good friend Pooh, while Rabbit also threw his vote to the Republican candidate “for agricultural reasons.”
Eeyore, a gray donkey, voted for independent candidate Ralph Nader in order to, “strike a blow against the corporate hegemony, and because we’re a lot alike, me and Ralph.”
Junie B. Jones: Unknown. After Junie B. was abandoned in a Nebraska hospital and made a ward of the state, she promptly ran away and has yet to be found.
Captain Underpants: One of the more fun stories from this campaign, Captain Underpants (real name: Myron Tenenbaum) made a handsome living impersonating John McCain on Saturday Night Live in recent months, but was a vocal Obama supporter when the cameras were off.
“Oh, I’m totally in the tank for Barack,” said the Captain, star of several popular children’s books and a live-action feature film coming out later this year with Christian Bale playing the superhero. “If McCain had won I could have probably made some great money as a body double in the next couple of years, but Tina and I talked about it and decided that the money wouldn’t be enough if we eventually ended up with a President Palin.”
“President Palin. Oy, what an empty head.”
The Berenstain Bears: No votes. The sad, untold story of the campaign. The Bear Family was one of the most visible to support the McCain campaign, with Father Bear even working as a Precinct Committee Officer in Bear Country to organize the caucuses for McCain back in February. Tragedy struck in May when, while working in the family’s garden, Mother Bear was shot and killed by Sarah Palin, who then skinned and field dressed the family matriarch in front of brother and sister. After the funeral Father Bear crawled in a bottle and never came out; Brother and Sister were eventually removed from the home by Child Protective Services and moved into foster care.
Amelia Badelia: Now living in Florida nursing home suffering from the advanced stages of dementia, Ms. Badelia had her ballot marked “Obama” when an unscrupulous caregiver intercepted it from her mail.
Hank the Cowdog: Once thought to be a lock for McCain, because of their common southwestern heritage, Hank actually wrote in Tom Tancredo’s name on his ballot.
“Listen, Tancredo was the only candidate willing to talk about the problem with illegals crossing the border, and I extend that in my own mind to the coyotes that I have to chase off every day,” said the ranch security guard. “Did you read Lou Dobbs’ last book? If we don’t do something about this, we are all *ucked.”