Friday, January 04, 2008

My Interview With a Brain Eating Zombie Who Also Happens to Enjoy Education Policy Discussions

Me: “Hello, gentle readers, and welcome to the first ever actual interview on I Thought a Think. Today’s special guest, here to talk with us about what’s going to happen in the coming legislative session, is a Brain Eating Zombie Who Also Happens to Enjoy Education Policy Discussions. And how are you today, sir?”


“I’ve got to say, friend, that this won’t be much of an interview if that’s all you have for me.”

“Oh dear, I do apologize. It’s so easy to slip into zombie vernacular, what with the undead existence eating brains and all.”

“Quite all right. So tell me, what’s new in brain eating today?”

“Well, Ryan, the hot buzz in the zombie education policy wonk circles right now is the rise in academic achievement among new teachers. According to the ETS, GPAs are up, Praxis scores are up, and the overall pool is much, much more accomplished academically than what we were seeing ten years ago!”

“That’s great news indeed!”

“You’re telling me! I was snacking on some new elementary math majors the other day, and I haven’t had this sort of vintage in a long, long time. (kissing sound) Mwah, that’s some good brain eating!”

“Math majors? Hold on there, my undead friend—we need more math teachers!”

“Elementary math majors. They’re a dime a dozen.”

“I stand corrected. Do math teachers tend to have juicier, tastier brains?”

“It depends on the part of the world, actually. As Education Week recently reported, our middle school math teachers are far less intellectually prepared for the rigors of teaching than math teachers in other countries. Right now, I wouldn’t eat a middle school teacher’s brain no matter how far I had shambled that day!”

“Ha ha, you and your zombie humour! Tell me, does being one of the undead make it harder to dabble in education policy?”

“Oh, not at all. Web 2.0 was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I’ve got a guest appearance lined up on the Education Gadfly podcast, I’m doing some webinars for the ASCD, and my new book, “Teach Like Your Hair’s On Fire BAD! FIRE BURN!” should be available soon. I also did some consulting work for the charter school ballot measure in Utah!”

“Really? How’d that go?”

“Not so hot. When I told Patrick Byrne that the voters were brainless, he took me to mean that they were stupid, which he why he made that unfortunate quote to the press about Utahns failing an IQ test. I was being literal, though—they were brainless, because I had eaten several of their brains. I do that. It’s kind of my thing.”

“Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Any final thoughts for the readers out there?”

“Just remember kids—stay in school, so that when a zombie eats your brain, it tastes good.”

Editor’s Note: I escaped having my brain eaten only because my guest knew that I had voted for Nader twice. Upon hearing that, he lost his appetite.

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